beautiful brokenness.

oh the beautiful necessity of the Lords discipline in my life. its so needed. And so often i'm finding myself resisting the Lords faithfulness to rebuke sin in my life, or the lack of righteousness, and I put up this big fuss or cry out to Him asking Him if He even loves me. Its this place of fear in my life for rebuke. this fear of failure and not amounting to much, or anything at all. This abyss, this gaping hole in my heart really truly longing for that hard love to penetrate these desceptions of false love, and for them to be completely demolished by perfect love.

Why am I so afraid to love, to receive love. Why am I afraid to put myself fully out there, to put my heart on the line in reckless abandoned and just say "HERE I AM, I WANT TO LOVE YOU AND I RECEIVE AND WANT YOU TO LOVE ME TOO!". Everything in me fights love, and I have reached this place with the Lord and with someone else in my life where I don't want to fight anymore, and I want them in. I am more than ok wit putting everything on the line, my heart, the ministry i'm involed in, everything to just let the Lord come in, to every depth, places that I hide, every defense and lack of communication, every inch of my life and my relationships.

As I was sitting in that bath tub tonight, just crying out for the Lord to come and just penetrate these lies, insecurites, past hurts, and this disgusting independence and pride thats dwelling deep within my life. Its this wrestle in me, knowing that I need to change, and then this overwhleming question as to how. Ah, and then the lack of faith and doubt come in and I begin to ever question the entire process of "can I really be changed". But I hunger for the pentetration of this truth, of this love from my Abba that changes me, that never leaves me the same, that shows me how to love because He has first loved me. I want it. I want this transforming love that penetrates me so hard that im radicaly changed and forever healed.

I'm learning so much about radical repentence. Crying out today, from the depths, and repenting and just acknowledging the sin in my life. the sepearation in my life. the lack of kingdom perspective. the selfishness. the pride. the unforgiveness. the bitterness. the pain. the fear of the unknown. the fear of no control. the fear of abondonment. and the overwhelming fear of losing the person that I love the most on this earth. I just began crying out for the Lords beautiful intervention, for His divine presence. And something happend, something so profound within my spirit. I just began to worship Him. I began to cry just remembering His faithfulness thats never ending in my life. The way that He brings things together, for His abounding goodness that NEVER ends, never changes. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Despite my circumstances, or emotions, or frustrations.. he never changes!

Ah, I long to love the way that He does. To just love His sons and daughters the way that they deserve to be loved. Not out of my insecurities, or fear, or because of the way my father loved me growing up, or my mother, or people who have hurt me in the past. But because they are children of God!

I am desperate and broken and in such need of my Savior. The one whom never leaves and never forsakes me.

And i'm finding that He always knows what He is doing. and as Jason Upton cries out in his song "gideon".. i find myself crying out the same thing...

" I don't know what to do
but My eyes are on you"

and this is the state that i'm in. not knowing what to do, but just keeping my eyes on my Creator, on my Maker. Ah, and the truth that brings that brokennes is the fact that Abba gave His only son Jesus to die on a cross for me, in the midst of my sin, in the midst of my selfishness, in my undeserving state. And He has called me to freedom, he has called me to healing, he has called me to walk in His likeness. His love is breaking me. breaking me down. He knows me inside and out. And I long to be healed, to be set free, and I know that there is freedom in HIS presence, so Lord, I say YES AND AMEN to your freedom. Because without you, I am nothing. And without your love, I cannot love others. and I cannot love him the way he deserves.
so here I am Lord, please bring more disicpline in my life, because I long to be a woman who hungers and thirst after rightesouness and I am not ok with where I am right now. I'm here, positioning myself before, waiting and longing to be encountered by you. I want change in my life. I want your freedom in my life, and I'm not leaving your presence until you change me in your the likeness of your son.
i love you. and i trust you ABBA.
amen.